


And Then You Happened

by YourIsis



Series: If I Have to, So Do You [6]
Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-06-03 21:32:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6627295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourIsis/pseuds/YourIsis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of one-shots leading up to and after the events of the "If I have to, Then So Do You," series. All of these stories can be enjoyed by themselves, but it is highly encouraged to read the main series before delving into this one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome!

Welcome! A few notes before we begin!

 

I'm sure that many of you have read the If I Have to, Then So Do You collection of stories, and that is why you are here. I'm sure that many of you are also here because who can resist a JoshXReader oneshot, right? Well, there are just a few things I wanted to discuss before we begin!

 

My dearest friend and I have done a lot of digging into the characters of this series since I posted the first trilogy. So, that being said, there will be very prominent original characters coming in. I'll mostly be focused on the reader and Josh's relationship, but there may be times where her writing will come in here too, involving her character Ebony (whom most of you have met in previous stories). If that's the case I will absolutely label them accordingly.

 

**Lastly: Explicit chapters WILL be marked "explicit" in the title! Dates will also be included but works will not necessarily be posted in order!**

 

I really hope that you will all welcome these new editions and enjoy the ride as much as I have been!

 

Love,

YourIsis


	2. And Then You Happened (March 20, 2014)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh's meeting with the reader after she is discharged from the hospital they had both been staying in. This a little look into what happened after that phone call from the end of If I Have to, Then So Do You. You can read it solo, but it has so much more meaning if you read the previously mentioned fic.

March 20, 2014

 

12:30

He was actually coming to meet you for coffee.

To be honest, you didn’t think he’d even pick up the phone. And if he did, he would decline. At least, that’s how it went in your head.

In reality Josh’s response couldn’t have been further from. In fact, he asked if you could meet that day. That very day. How could you say no? Only a few had passed since you last saw each other, but it felt like forever.

Excitement coursed through you but…you didn’t know out-of-hospital Josh. He didn’t know out-of-hospital you. What if you didn’t mesh, what if he didn’t like you, what if you just…weren’t attractive?

Your hand stopped stirring the coffee that you’d been absentmindedly tending to for the past few minutes.

 Why were you worried about this like it was a date?

This was Joshua Washington. Your hospital comrade. The person you could lean on. Your brain really needed to slow the hell down.

 

* * *

 

 

12:13 – _Post phone call_

Which shirt?

Seriously, which shirt should he put on? He wasn’t going to meet for coffee in his PJs.

Josh couldn’t remember the last time he was so excited to meet up with someone. Maybe it was the unexpectedness of the situation that had his blood pumping. Whatever, it didn’t matter. All that _did_ matter was that there were too many clothes in his closet and his brain was rushing too fast.

“Fuck it,” he grumbled and reached in blindly.

Dark blue t-shirt. Awesome.

Moments later he was dressed, t-shirt and jeans with a comfy pair of shoes. Mostly satisfied by the reflection in the mirror, he hurried down the stairs and into the kitchen to snag his car keys.

“Where do you think you’re going?” His mother asked, stopping him in his tracks with a stern gaze.

“I’m heading out?”

She sighed. “You really shouldn’t be driving, Joshua.”

Something panged inside him. She was right on one hand and he hated to go against her when she and his father had dropped everything to come and take care of him--

No, no. No way in hell he wasn’t going to see you.

“I’m going, and I’m fine. I’ll be back in an hour or two.” He kissed her on the cheek and hurried off before she could have a chance to protest again.

 

* * *

 

 

12:32

The waitress had stopped by several times but you declined every single offer to take your order. At one point she asked if you knew what the other person would like to drink, but you really didn’t.

Coffee? Pepsi? Coke? Water? Hell if you knew.

Your fingers drummed on the placemat that you’d read a million times. It was impossible to focus on anything, not even your phone which you swore was broken because time was ticking by way too slowly.

 

* * *

 

 

12:32

Yeah, he was pushing the speed limit, but he couldn’t help it. Maybe it was because his heart was racing even faster and he felt the need to catch up to it. Maybe it was because he was already late.

What was he going to say to you?

What if you thought he was boring?

What if you didn’t think he was good-looking—

No, no, no. He shoved that thought back. You were just friends.

This was only the second day since you’d been released from the hospital and he was sure you were still tired. Hell _he_ was exhausted and it had been several for him.

Had he forced you to come out too soon? Should he have visited you at home? Should he have waited a few days? All he had thought about was how badly he wanted to see your face…what if this wasn’t what you wanted?

“Get a fucking grip on yourself, Washingon,” he mumbled to himself in an attempt to quiet all the questions. He knew that he was too prone to going over things a million times when there was no reason to, but he couldn’t turn it off.

The diner appeared then, halting his brain off completely. There it was, Ruby’s Diner.

Josh exhaled as he pulled into a parking spot, and for a moment he forgot to breathe back in. After putting the car in park he sat there, blankly staring at the parked car in front of him.

Now or never.

 

* * *

 

 

12:35

 _Holy shit_.

There he was.

You couldn’t do anything but watch as he explained to the hostess that he was meeting someone and described you physically. His gestures were amusing to watch, but the woman was quickly becoming a little too entranced with him for your tastes.

Not that you cared who hit on him or who he hit on...

But damn, that was _your_ lunch date. Not hers.

“Josh!” You shouted, causing his head to snap in your direction. His whole expression changed when he saw you. There was an endearing turning up of his lips and a brightening to his eyes that you’d never seen on anyone before when they saw your face.

No one had ever looked at you like that. Like you were the light.

No one had ever held you like he did either. Strong arms were around you before you could even blink, your name being murmured in your ear in the most wonderful greeting you’d ever experienced.

His angles lined up too well with your curves.

 _No._ You scolded yourself. _Josh is a friend. You need friends right now. Don’t ruin this one good thing._

To your dismay, Josh was giving you the most mischievous smirk when you looked up at him. You felt a wave of heat course through your body and you prayed to God that you weren’t actually blushing.

“Wanna sit down?”

“W-what?”

“Sit down,” he repeated, biting back a laugh. “You know. Actually in the booth. So we can have coffee.”

 _Now_ you were blushing.

“Right. Right!”

 

* * *

 

 

12:40

You were absolutely adorable, all flushed, and suddenly stumbling over yourself.

And beautiful, Josh mused to himself.

Something inside him began to whisper what it would be like if you were his, and when he tried to quiet it, the voice only screamed louder.

He was doomed.

So much for “just friends.”


	3. Therapuetic (July 2015)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was inspired when I finally got my hands on the Until Dawn app and it said that Josh had been studying Psychology before dropping out of college after Hannah and Beth’s deaths. I’m currently earning my masters in counseling and well…finding this out just made me need to touch on this part of his character.

June 2015

Boxes littered the expansive attic, all cast yellow underneath the lone lightbulb hanging in the center of the space. You and Josh had been going through box after box for hours at his mother’s request. She felt that it was time that he sort out all of his old things now that he was in the mindset to do so, and even told him that it could be “therapeutic.” While you were sure that she only said it to light a fire underneath him, you actually agreed with her. Perhaps cleaning out the attic would help him organize his own mind.

Dust erupted into the air as one box slipped suddenly from Josh’s grip and crashed to the floor.

“Nice arm strength.” You laughed and he did too.

His eyes were playful as he righted the box and began to open the carefully taped flaps. “Keep teasing me, girl, and I’ll show you _plenty_ of arm strength in my bedroom.”

“Thought you were gonna do that anyway.”

Josh meant to retort but his focus turned quickly to the box’s contents. “Damn, so that’s why that box was so heavy.”

Curiously, you peered over his shoulder to take in the view of numerous psychology-related textbooks. They appeared to be college level: Introductory Psychology, Human Development, Abnormal Psychology, Theories…the list went on and on. When you turned your attention back to Josh he was on another planet, just staring at the books, unblinking.

“Josh,” you shook his arm until he came back to earth. Something was still missing though, regardless of the fact that he was actually present now. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah.”

Carefully you asked, “Whose books are these?”

His father’s? Mother’s? Hannah’s? Beth’s?

“They’re mine.” He pulled out the Abnormal Psych text book and sat down with it on one of the two folding chairs you’d brought up. When he caught your surprised look he met you with a small grin of his own. “Why do you look so surprised?”

You’d never asked him about college from the moment he told you that he’d dropped out after his sisters’ deaths. Something in you was always too worried, probably that it would unleash this floodgate of pain and you’d be responsible. Swallowing this down, you added, “I don’t know, I guess I just expected you would have studied film or something.”

Josh’s smirk grew into a full-out grin as he settled further back in the chair and turned the cover and splayed the book’s contents before him. “Don’t you know you can’t make a good horror film if you don’t know how to get into your antagonist’s brain?” When you rolled your eyes he laughed. “Alright, you got me. I just love the stuff, it’s so interesting and--”

“—relevant?” You finished for him without meaning to.

Only a knowing look and a nod of Josh’s head answered you. Silence settled throughout the space as specs of dust glimmered and drifted in the dim light. Quietly, you leaned over the back of his chair, arms around his chest, chin to his shoulder. This was a Josh you didn’t know, but you definitely wanted to.

The next half hour consisted of Josh thumbing through pages of words and pictures you couldn’t make sense of, beaming like a little kid. He talked almost constantly, occasionally bringing your hand to his mouth to kiss it, or lean his head against the softness of your arm. Some of the things he told you about seemed too out of this world to be real, but they were, printed there in black and white. No wonder he loved films, they were physical representations of how complex the human mind can be.

Complex. Like him.

“You know,” he drawled, taking a pause from explaining the wonder of dissociative fugue. “I think I love this stuff so much because it makes it all normal.”

“What do you mean?” You kissed his cheek gently, reveling in the way he leaned in against your lips.

“A lot of the time people see mental illness as something so out of control and isolating. But if you look at major depression through the eyes of psychology, most of the issue is just from certain chemicals not doing what they should. And how did they figure this out? So many people were feeling that same pain that scientists wanted to conduct studies to find treatment.” He shut the book with a satisfied look. “If there are that many people with my condition, then I can’t be too weird, right?”

Your heart fluttered. There he was, Joshua Washington. Finally. No jokes, no pretenses. Just him.

You couldn’t fully see the expression on his face, but the air felt calmer, cleaner, soothed, in a way. His eyes were mischievous when he turned his head to look at you, though. That was a look you knew. He’d put a wall back up, but only partially.

Truthfully, there was no going back now, he was bare to you forever, no matter how many bricks he laid. And he was more than ok with that.


	4. Admit It (June 27, 2014)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drunken karaoke is the best karaoke, right?

(June 27, 2014)

“I came in like a wreeeecking baaaall! I never hit so hard in loooooove!”

You and the crew could barely breathe through all your laughter as Mike crooned into the karaoke mic in the worst tone he could possibly muster. The guy actually had a great voice, which made the horrible singing even more hilarious. When he slid onto his knees for dramatic emphasis you knew you couldn’t recover. Every part of you hurt from laughing as hard as you were and tears were leaking from your eyes.

Chris sat on the couch next to yours with a smug smile, still twirling the little slip of paper that had a sloppy “pick your own” scrawled across it. He’d chosen Mike’s song as revenge for being forced to sing “I’ve Got You Babe” with Matt.

Earlier that night Chris had actually managed to get his arm around Matt’s shoulder as he serenaded, “They say we’re young and we don’t know, won’t find out untiiiiil we’ve grown!”

To everyone’s delight, Matt returned the gesture, resting his hand on Chris’s shoulder as well. “Well I don’t know if all that’s true, ‘cause you got me and baby I’ve got you!” Ashley couldn’t keep it together at this point and slid onto the floor in a laughing and snorting mess.

Surprisingly, both boys lasted through the Sonny and Cher classic in good spirits, considering their level of embarrassment. They were even able to take their bows, albeit with Chris losing his balance and almost pitching himself onto the floor.  

You’d only done karaoke once before, but not like Josh Washington and his friends did. Nothing was voluntary. Instead, two jars were passed around after each song. One jar had slips labelled “single,” “duet,” and “group,” while the other jar had many “pick your own” slips peppered with folded pieces of paper containing each participant’s name. The person whose turn it was would draw from each jar and then assign whatever song they fancied. If a “pick your own” slip was drawn, they also got to choose who would sing the song.

Josh’s parents were out of the state again so they left him the credit card which he promptly used to rent a full-blown karaoke machine. Luckily for everyone, his parents had also left him the liquor cabinet. The free-flowing booze came in handy, and definitely loosened up a lot of inhibitions.

Whooping filled the living room as Mike reached the bridge of Wrecking Ball. You were all pretty drunk now, each clutching a third or fourth drink. Except for Josh who was maybe on his sixth but didn’t seem it. He sat to your left, quite close, arm casually draped behind you. The group had labelled you “Josh’s girl,” but it really wasn’t like that. Closeness was common between you two, and yeah, there was a form of love there, but why fix something that wasn’t broken?

Mike staggered off the “stage,” aka front of the living room, after taking a ridiculous bow and reclaimed his spot next to Jess. Eager eyes watched as the jars were then passed from Chris to Ebony. Josh’s finger idly twirled through a lock of your hair as your best friend fished around blindly in the containers. You shot him a glance, but all he did was give you that little smile that made your heart race every time.

 _Goddamn_.

You took another swig of your drink for mental stability.

When your eyes turned Ebony’s way again, she was looking at you with the evilest smirk you’d seen on her in a long time. In her hands were two slips of paper: “duet” and “pick your own.”

“Eb…” You reasoned.

“Nuh-uh,” she countered, lips turning up even more when she took note of Josh’s finger tracing a small circle against the soft curve of your neck. “You and Josh. Marvin Gaye.”

Josh’s movements halted.

 _No fucking way she was doing this._ “Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor?” You cringed as everyone else looked like they were going to fly into fits of laughter at any second.

“Of course.”

Next to you Josh lifted his glass and chugged.

He leaned in after, smelling like vodka as he put his lips to your ear, “Let’s get this over with.”

“I hate you, Eb,” you groaned as Josh pulled you to the front of the room.

“No you don’t! You love me, (Y/n)!”

Now everyone was either giggling or hooting drunkenly.

Well, no going back. If you were going to be forced into this, you’d just have to own it.

Josh looked at you mischievously as he pulled up the song. “Just focus on me, babe. I’ve got ya.”

You laughed then. “'Babe?' You're plastered.”

“Bullshit,” he retorted playfully and then pulled the mic stand you’d be sharing over. “No more than you.” Then he lowered his voice, “If they want a show, let’s give it to them.”

“Freak them out a little,” you giggled a little more than you wanted to.

“Exactly.”

That familiar smile split his face just in time for the music to start.

Josh got through the first verse like a champ, leaning in a little closer than usual, giving you the most suggestive eyes he could muster. He didn’t have the most incredible voice, but the boy could carry a tune and it was actually making you flustered. With every word his lips looked more and more inviting.

“It’s so subtle, I’m in trouble,” his fingers tilted your chin up to meet his eyes, giving you a playful wink, “but I’d love to be in trouble with you.” Drunk Josh was entertaining, that was for sure.

You nearly laughed through your entrance but somehow managed to join your voice with his for the following, “Let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on.”

Your friends hooted through the chorus, and you could hear Ebony above all of them, of course. You made a mental note to extract revenge for this.

With your back pressed against Josh’s chest, you sang, “And when you leave me all alone, I’m like a stray without a home.” You really had to work to keep a straight face, especially when you actually felt his body stiffen. “I’m like a dog without a bone, I just want you for my own. I’ve got to have you, babe.” You slid your body down his, hand running along the outside of his thigh as you did so.

That touch shook him a little to the point that he stuttered through this first part of the following chorus. Clearly he wasn’t as drunk as he’d like to be in order to deal with you and this song. His nervousness, completed with a fine layer of pink dusting on his cheeks, was amusing.

“But I’d rather be in trouble with you,” You playfully bumped your hip into Josh’s, but his reflexes were better than you expected. His arm wrapped tight around you, anchoring you snuggly against his side for the rest of his solo part of the song.

With his fingers curling into the softness of your waist as he sang, “Let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on, Ooh baby I’ve got that healing that you want.” Damn his body was warm.

Why were you breathless? “Like they say in the songs, until the dawn, let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on.”

Suddenly Jess and Eb shouted at the same time: “DO THE KISS!”

Oh dear god, they meant the one from the music video. Now your heart was hammering and you were flubbing lyrics. Josh’s eyes caught yours and guided you back into the remainder of the song, but you swore he was up to no good.

Shit.

The look in his face said it all: He knew the video.

He totally knew the video.

“I’m screaming mercy, mercy, please…”

You felt Josh pulling you even closer. Was he serious?

“Just like they say it in the song, until the dawn, let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on…”

That burning in his green eyes…he was actually contemplating it.

“Just like they say it in the song, until the dawn, let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on…”

True to the video, Josh pulled you in for the kill. However, he was committed to giving the audience what the video had denied. His lips crushed yours, eliciting a little gasp that let him slant his mouth perfectly over yours. Somewhere in the background your friends were either screaming or just plain out stunned.

“Good show,” he whispered against your lips mischievously.

“Y-yeah.”

You reluctantly turned your eyes back to your friends, every nerve sparking like live wires. Of course there was not an unamused look in the room, but you were too shocked to register it. Josh had to actually grab your hand and put you back into your seat or you would have stood there forever.

Fuck…Josh was a good kisser. Really, really good. Part of you screamed for him to do it again, but it was all a part of the games you played. Tomorrow he’d tease you about it. He’d ask you if you wanted to kiss him again and dare to run his thumb over your lips in a torment. The thought made your skin buzz.

Did you want that?

His arm went to rest around the couch behind you again as you nearly ripped the bowls from Ebony’s grasp.

You reached in the first one and actually retrieved Ebony’s name. A smirk spread across your face. Karma was certainly sweet.

“Oh look, Eb!” There was actually a little hint of fear in her eyes. “Looks like you’re doing a solo. I feel like you should sing a little Taylor Swift.”

“Oh c’mon, (Y/n) no.”

“Oh, yes. I say that your song is You Belong With Me.” Ebony cringed. “And I vote you sing it to Mike.”

Mike began laughing on cue which worsened the displeased look on Ebony’s face. He was definitely not going to let her live it down any time soon.

You almost felt bad, but she _was_ the reason why Josh kissed you. Besides, Mike was currently a free man, having broken up with Emily a few weeks prior.  So why shouldn’t you torture your best friend a little? If she was going to shove you into Josh’s arms, then you were certainly going to shove her into Mike’s.

“Dammit, (Y/n),” Ebony cursed you as she walked to the front of the room.

“I love you too, Eb!” You retorted, echoing her statement from earlier when she sent you to your doom.

As she began to sing Josh leaned in close. “I vote we do take two.”

“Ha-ha, very funny, Josh.”

Was that a little hurt in his eyes? No, it had to be the booze screwing with your head.

He swallowed whatever emotion it had been in the normal Josh fashion: humor. “You say that now, (Y/n), but one day you’re gonna want to ride this ride.” There was the usual smirk.

“The ‘Josh Washington experience’?” You laughed.

“Damn straight.”

Something was different in his tone and you weren’t quite sure if it was alcohol-driven or not. Even so, his arm came to fully rest around your shoulder rather than the couch cushion. It was a simple movement, but it made your heart stop. What were you supposed to think? One minute he teased you, the next he made you ache.

His fingers resumed playing with your hair as you both watched the amusing scene in the front of the room. On occasion his fingertips would graze your jaw or cheek and you couldn’t help but shudder.

Any outsider could tell that you were crazy about him, and they’d have to be blind to not see how he adored you. Yet here you two here, pretending that it didn’t exist. As usual.

But now there was something new pulsing with the heavy beating of your heart: _I need you_.

Your friends were all right.

You _were_ Josh’s girl.

Now you just had to admit it.

 


	5. This Doesn't Happen to Real People (May 5, 2014) (TRIGGER WARNING READ ALL THE NOTES)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Josh are getting together for just another day of movie marathoning, but this time something happens that makes you feel the need to tell him why you were in the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING WARNING WARNING TRIGGER WARNING. IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY DEPICTIONS OF RAPE YOU NEED TO TURN BACK NOW.

JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE NOTE: WARNING WARNING WARNING TRIGGER WARNING. IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY DEPICTIONS OF RAPE YOU NEED TO TURN BACK NOW.

This Doesn't Happen to Real People

May 5, 2014

“Hey, (Y/n)!” Josh greeted you at his front door with a big smile.

Movie marathon days were your thing. Yeah, you loved his friends, but you loved spending time with him even more. These were your opportunities to be surrounded by that calming energy you could only glean from each other. Only a little more than a month had passed since you were discharged from the hospital, so being able to take solace in each other was a must and a blessing.

Even if this blessing was often in the form of a terrible horror film.

Josh was a walking movie encyclopedia, so you always got what you asked for. You wanted horror? He knew the scariest. You wanted suspense? Done. Psychological thriller? The kid had a mile long list to pick from, and tons of entertaining commentary to go with it.

“Hello, Joshua,” you replied playfully and hugged the hell out of him.

You followed him to the living room, already feeling the day’s stresses melt away. As you plopped down into your usual seat, Josh voiced from behind you: “You never told me what you wanted to watch. I have some things picked out, but any requests from the pretty lady on my couch?”

A giggle escaped you. You loved and could not deny that cheeky grin of his. “Actually, I was talking to Sam and she said that The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was really good! I wanted to see it when it came out but I never got to. Can we do that?”

“You got it, girl. One damn amazing movie coming up! It’s a rough one, though.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard, but it’s ok.”

You’d taken to your usual comfy position, leaning against Josh’s side. The first time you wound up like this was because Cabin in the Woods had scared the piss out of you and Josh felt the need to be protective by pulling you close. Since then you’d preferred the security of his warmth, and he didn’t seem to be complaining about your presence.

Yeah, you’d heard that the movie was upsetting, but never why. Unfortunately, you didn’t realize _how_ upsetting until quite a bit into this whirlwind of a movie. The film was littered with sexual abuse, coercion, and then finally, rape. You watched Lisabeth shackled to the bed and –

\--fuck, you were in trouble.

Josh sensed you go very still. The air around you had changed, and you were clearly no longer focused on the movie. Rather, you were somewhere else entirely.

“(Y/n)?” He murmured. Nope, you weren’t responding. Shit.

He had the movie shut off in an instant and watched you, not knowing what to do. Tears pricked your eyes, two already blazing a path down your cheeks, but you weren’t even aware.

“(Y/n)…” He tried again, this time earning a murmur from you. “What’s wrong?” After a moment, “I’m sorry about the movie, I thought you knew because you said you’d been meaning to see it…”

“No.” You whimpered out. “It’s not your fault. I just can’t leave it. I can’t right now.” The whole world was dual screened: Josh, who was incredibly concerned and then--

“What can I do?”

At this point tears were dripping everywhere and your nose had begun to run. “Tissues…water…”

“Yeah. Yeah, totally.”

Then his presence was gone, leaving you to collapse onto your side and absorb what was left of his body heat from the couch. Your heart refused to stop racing. All you could see was that night again and again and again.

_Not a damn word. Just the locking of the door behind him and you somehow knew. Just looking at him and his stance, he was going to do this. He really was._

_That bed. Screaming. No one coming. No one hearing. Maybe no one caring. Everything was a dim blur._

_“You wanted it,” said in response to the wetness between your legs that remained when he pulled away from you._

_No, no, NO, you hadn’t._

_And then you sat there after he was gone, not even hearing the door shut behind him, just staring into space, unable to comprehend the world breaking around you. Was it real? This didn’t happen. It didn’t happen to you. This happened on TV, and in the news. No. Not to real people._

_Eventually you stumbled to the bathroom and showered. Did anything to get him out of you, get his smell off of you, scrubbing until you were pink raw. And still in disbelief._

_It took weeks for the pain to stop. You were physically ok and healthy, thank god, but there were twinges that came at the worst times. And even when those weren’t happening, the nightmares were a different kind of painful. But the worst of it was the way you turned into your own personal bully, chastising yourself again and again without end._

_You couldn’t tell anyone. Couldn’t say how stupid you’d been. You’d be another foolish college student for the media to rip up._

_You invited him over, so you brought it on yourself. What did you expect?_

_Idiot._

_Why should I keep living?_

Who knows how long you laid there. Minutes? Half an hour? Hours? You didn’t know, but somehow Josh had gotten a glass of water into your hand and you were slowly sipping it. Each drop bringing a little more clarity, back to the real world.

“I’m so embarrassed.”

Immediately Josh countered with, “Don’t be.” Then more hesitantly: “What’s going on?”

Green. You loved the green of his eyes, and it was grounding you. Maybe you were looking too intensely, but he never looked away so you didn’t feel the need to stop.

“I had been in the hospital because I was so depressed…”

“You’d tried to kill yourself.”

“Yeah, I did.” Your gaze turned hard. “Josh, I’m going to tell you something that only my therapist and I know right now, ok? And you _cannot_ tell anyone.”

The look of concern on his face grew. “You know I won’t.”

Sucking a deep breath in, you steeled yourself. Could you do this? Could you say those words? You could try.

“I was raped.”

The statement was a test. You waited for him to look away but he never did. Quiet spread thickly through the living room as you waited. Waited for a flinch, a disapproving look, disgust.

Nothing. Just the empathetic look that said _go on_.

“That’s why I took all my meds…it got to be too much.”

Josh didn’t know what to say. He wanted to say something, _anything_ , but what if it made things worse? Judging by the way you were looking at him, not saying something was not helping either.

“Fuck…I’m so sorry. How the hell have you been doing this alone for so long?”

“I couldn’t trust anyone.”

A frown crossed Josh’s face as he realized something. “I’m sorry I’ve been joking around and teasing you so much. Did I make this worse? I can back off--”

“—dear god, Josh please. Don’t. You’re the only steady thing I have right now. If you start treating me differently I’ll be miserable.”

Hesitance. “Alright…just tell me if you want it to change.” He held his arms out in a non-threatening offer that you took gratefully.  

“I won’t want to. Ever.” you murmured against his shirt. “Just…let’s try to filter the movies from now on.”

“No shit,” he exclaimed a little more candidly than intended and it actually drew a small laugh from you. “Seriously though, are you ok now?”

“Yeah. I am. Mostly. A really bad movie might help. And coffee?”

He was clearly still shaken and worried, but a softer smile crept its way back onto Josh’s face. “Absolute yes on the coffee, _and_ you’re in luck because I just found out about this terrible movie called ‘Zombeavers.’”

All you could do was stare. “…Zombeavers?”

“Zombie beavers. I’m not shitting you, (Y/n). It’s so terrible that it’s a masterpiece.”

A small laugh escaped you although there was still so much weight in your chest.

_Why should I keep living?_

That question swirled through you so quickly, a constant ugly impulse every time you revisited that nightmare.

Shortly after putting up coffee, Josh loaded up Netflix as you placed your head on his legs as a pillow. His fingers sought to stroke your hair as if he’d done it a million times. Pure, calming warmth coursed through his touch, and with his fingers he pulled the demons from you, leaving you with your answer:

_Why wouldn’t I want to?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that was insanely heavy, but it had to be done. The next story will be infinitely times lighter! Thanks for reading, this was incredibly difficult to do.  
> BTW:  
> Zombeavers is an actual thing. If you wanna laugh for an hour and fifteen minutes at some dumb campy film about teenagers who go on a trip to the woods for the weekend and bad shit happens, it's on Netflix or I'm sure you can find it elsewhere! It's totally worth the watch.


	6. The Girl From the Party (July 17, 2015)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While out with the crew you and Josh run into a mutual acquaintance at the diner and they draw your attention to something quite alarming. Something much lighter than the last chapter! Enjoy!

The Girl From the Party

July 17, 2015

* * *

 

_At least things weren’t so chaotic in the kitchen._

_You were drunk as hell and the room was spinning like crazy to the point where you had to leave the chaotic thumping of the rest of the house. Honestly, you’d never been this drunk before. Sure you had a few here and there, but this was bad._

_It was totally because you knew no one at the party. Andrea wasn’t exactly what you would call a close friend. A friend through a friend. An acquaintance basically, but you’d said “sure, I’ll come” without thinking, and now here you were: nearly toppling over on a kitchen floor that belonged to a girl you barely know._

_Your stomach lurched, urging you toward the bottle of ginger ale on the table. Just as you managed to fill a Solo cup with ice and soda, a voice caught your ear._

_“Hey girl, you’re looking good tonight.”_

_Before you could even groan a reply you caught the owner of the voice tripping on nothing and slamming into the table. A crash followed, chased by the sound of hissing soda bottles and ice scattering across the floor. You could barely breathe through your tearful laughter, and his cheeks were red when you finally got an alcohol-smeared look at him. From what you could tell, he wasn’t bad-looking, but that was all you could really comprehend. The world was still wobbly, and he was so focused on picking things up and dropping them again in his equally drunk state that you couldn’t make out another damn detail. Still, you felt somewhat bad, watching him gather up cups only to spill them all over again. Sympathetically, you crouched down to help him._

_You were rewarded with a sheepish smile, and then—_

_… **what happened then?**_

_The rest was black._

* * *

 To be honest, there were very few things better than getting the whole crew together for lunch, considering things were finally starting to feel _normal_ since February’s mess. Watching Ash flustering Chris, Jess straightening Matt’s collar, Mike playfully quarreling with Ebony, Sam taking in it all with amusement, and Josh looking at you _that_ way was peaceful.

Wow, never thought you’d say that word after everything that had happened over the past few months.

The waitress finally arrived, carrying an overly encumbered tray, followed by another waitress whom she had recruited to help bring the rest of the meals for nine very hungry young adults. Just in time too, because your stomach was growling.

Silence settled over the group due to all the frantic eating. The diner was so crowded and it had taken almost forty-five minutes to get your food. Nevertheless, Ruby’s never failed to disappoint.

“Oh my god, I really thought I was gonna die this time, guys.” Chris exclaimed, causing everyone to roll their eyes.

Ash shoved him playfully. “You _always_ think you’re going to starve to death.”

“He might,” Josh affirmed. “I swear, he’s been that way ever since we met. He could clear out the fridge and not gain a pound. I don’t even wanna think about what would happen if he was forced to not eat for a day.”

The group laughed, and you with them. “You’re living every girl’s dream, Chris. Mind sharing?”

Again, laughter, but this time you found Josh’s arm around your shoulder. “Babe, there’s nothing wrong with you. Clearly I can’t keep my hands off of--”

“Oh my gosh! (Y/n)? Josh?”

Both of your heads snapped to the source of the voice.

“Hey, Andrea!” Josh started to wave but half-way through he paused. His gaze flickered between you and your apparently mutual acquaintance. “You two know each other?”

“Oh yeah! We went to the same school together.” Andrea smiled. “I’m so happy to see that the two of you actually got together after all that! I was kinda worried.”

Silence crawled through the group. All you could see were slightly open mouths and the most horrified look taking over Josh’s features.

“Andrea…” Dear god you did not want the answer to this question but you needed it. “Not that it isn’t great to see you, but what do you mean ‘together?’”

“Wait,” Andrea’s eyes went wide with regret. “You…don’t remember?”

* * *

  _You woke with the blissful feeling of a sore, but satisfied body. To be fair, you’d never actually had that feeling before, you’d never been with anyone, so why did you feel so damn good?_

_A light snore sounded from beside you, startling your eyes open._

_This was not your bedroom. Or your bed._

_Fuck._

_With a cringe, you rolled over to investigate the source of the sound. A guy was laying on his stomach facing away from you, happily sleeping the early morning away._

_Ok. That was definitely not yours either. That was a mistake. No matter how good the little flits of memory were, that was a bad, bad mistake. You’d never been so embarrassed in your life._

_You threw your clothes on faster than the wind, not even noticing that your shirt was on inside out. With any luck you’d get out of there before he even moved and Andrea would be so hung over that she wouldn’t remembered that you’d snuck off to a guest room to have sex with a complete stranger._

_Without looking back, you shut the bedroom door as quietly as possible and bolted for your car._

* * *

 Oh _shit_.

Andrea appeared to be torn between amusement and pure horror over the can of worms that she’d just opened. “You two totally hit it off. Like, _really_ hit it off.”

Chris was the first of the group to start laughing, already putting pieces together. “Dude, Josh, (Y/n) was the girl from the party Junior year? The one you lost your v-card too and wouldn’t shut up about for weeks?”

Now the table had turned into a balloon of laughter ready to burst. Everyone was trying so hard to hold it in, but you knew it wouldn’t last. Red colored your cheeks as you anticipated the impending explosion.

Andrea finally got the impression that she should leave. She quickly gave her regards to both of your families and then split, leaving a bomb behind her.

Everyone instantly erupted into laughter, minus you and Josh…and Ebony. Her eyes were burning into both of you, and you both could feel it.

“I swear to God,” she began, and you knew it wasn’t going to be good, “I had to deal with King Unrequited Love and Queen Oblivious for months and you _already fucked!?”_

Several people actually stopped their meals to assess the sudden passionate obscenity, but Ebony really didn’t seem to care.

You’d never seen Josh look so unsure of what to do with himself. He sure as hell wasn’t going to say anything, so you tried your hand.

“I’m…sorry?” You offered the seething woman in front of you whom Mike was unsuccessfully trying to calm down.

“Yeah, you’d better be.” With that she began eating again, albeit quite angrily.

“Josh,” you elbowed him a little, still unable to make eye contact with your boyfriend.

“What?”

“Say something.”

“I just did.”

Before he could speak, Chris scooped up the opportunity to make Josh squirm. “(Y/n), he kept talking like you were some sort of goddess or something. No one believed him. Ever.”

“Except for me! You all know what that means.” Jess gave a knowing look and held out her hand. “Pay up.”

With a unified groan each one of your friends pulled out their wallet and handed her a twenty-dollar bill.

“Are you guys serious?” Josh grumbled.

Only laughter answered him, this time including yours.

“A goddess, huh? Thought you couldn’t remember my face.”

“Nope. Way to drunk for that.” He pretty much successfully laughed away his nerves. “But I _do_ remember having one hell of a night.”

“ _You_ had one hell of a night,” Chris chimed back in. “But I think what we all want to know is if (Y/n) was just as impressed with you.”

“Sorry guys, no way.”

“Aw, c’mon, (Y/n)!”

* * *

 You and Josh lay in the grass in the backyard for a long time after your friends left. For the longest time all you did was stare at the stars and watch the clouds drift over the moon, Josh’s fingers working through your hair while your nestled yourself close to his body.

He smelled so good, a cologne that he’d worn quite often since you met. A scent that had driven you crazy many times before, and was working pretty well now too.

Before you could stop yourself, you stated, “That cologne could get you laid any night, Josh.”

A chuckle answered you. “Yeah, I know.” This sent your eyes rolling but they stopped when he added, “I wore it to that party.”

All you could do was cover your face with your hands and make a sound of frustration. “The universe is _so_ fucked up.”

An amused smile split Josh’s lips. “That’s an understatement, babe.” After a few moments: “So… _was_ I any good?”

“Joshua,” you groaned. “Really?” Only silence and your boyfriend’s most curious expression answered you, both of which you couldn’t let be for too long. “You really wanna know?”

“You _know_ I do.”

A cheeky grin crossed your face. Carefully, you swung your legs over his body to straddle him and, once there, you walked your fingers up his chest to toy with the neckline of his shirt. Now you had his full attention. You slowly slid your body into alignment with his until your breasts were pressed to him. His chest rose and fell heavily underneath you, clearly very much into what you were doing.

Josh’s hands sought your lower back, carefully teasing the hem of your shirt, barely grazing your skin, and before you knew it you were arching into him. His mouth sought yours and it pulled an embarrassingly wanting sound from your lips. What had started as a tease was quickly becoming a waterfall of need. You giggled breathlessly against him but then had to bite back a cry when he slid a leg between yours.

“What’s so funny?”

“Sure you want me to tell you?”

“Maybe not judging by that look on your face.”

“Joshua Washington.”

There. That prompted that playfully expression that you liked. “Yes, babe?”

You pressed your lips to his again, feather light this time, just enough to tease and make him want you more. When his fingers gripped your hair tight you knew you had him. You kissed him softly, and this time murmured the words: “I don’t remember a damn thing.”

Josh put his head back on the grass and growled out a frustrated, “Are you fucking serious?”

His reaction was so intense that you couldn’t help but laugh. Your laughter didn’t last long though. Before you knew it he had rolled you over and pinned you to the grass. There was nothing you loved more than his weight on top of you, and he knew it. Your teasing was over.

The next few kisses were deep and slow, Josh’s lips and tongue drawing every single breath you tried to take out of you. He continued until the world spun, the stars blurred, and the moon was just a streak in the dark sky. You were drunk again, and by the looks of it, he was too.

“I’ll make sure you remember this time.”


	7. Part I: Drive (Saturday, June 28, 2014)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important AN:
> 
> I have been writing these stories for just over a year. A whole year. And I have poured my heart and soul into exploring Josh’s and the reader’s characters, and especially their relationship. It’s safe to say now that I see all of this very differently.
> 
> This began when my now-fiance pursued me in a very Joshua-like manner, and I needed time to figure myself out, just like the reader. Once I did, I became happier than I’ve ever been, but my outlook broadened. I started to see Joshua and the reader’s relationship differently because I experienced this course of events. Their story is not based off mine, it is for the reader to fall in love and feel for this complex young man. However, I learned more about those emotions and the push and pull of this kind of situation. 
> 
> At present day the timeline is the same for these kids, but, I imagine If I Have to, Then So Do You going differently. There’s no way I can portray that event the same way. This is why the next few stories in this series are meant to take lead you back to that movie night again. I’m going to re-write segments of that story and I hope that everyone is ok with this. The old story will still be available if you wish to read it. Just keep in mind, I don’t see it as completely accurate anymore, and this is the version I truly envision.
> 
> Thanks for reading and all the support. Of all the writing I’ve done, their story holds every piece of my heart.

(Based off of Halsey’s song _Drive_. If you don’t know her, she’s a fantastic singer, amazing in concert, and her lyrics are always beautiful)

 

* * *

 

_California wasn’t your home._

_Rather, it was the place that you’d been brought to due to a job offer your father had received. There was no way that you nor your mom could or wanted to say no. The opportunity meant that he finally had the chance to further his record label, and it meant a lot more money for the family._

_Moving was a huge jolt to your life, but you couldn’t bring yourself to resent it completely. (Father’s F/n) (L/n) was an honest, upstanding, hard-working man, and you were proud to be his daughter. Still, that was years ago, and you hadn’t been able to find “home” since your flight touched down at the Los Angeles International Airport five years ago._

 

* * *

 

 

Saturday, June 28th, 2014

“I said I can drive, (Y/n).”

“You had _how_ many?”

A long silence replied, finally followed by: “I don’t remember.”

You shoved the keys into Josh’s car. “Exactly my point, Joshington.”

Josh laughed a little too hard at the nickname you’d once given him during an argument. No matter what he said, he was definitely drunk. Not as drunk as some other times, maybe, but plastered none the less.

“Besides, your parents will kill you if you wreck this car too. Is this the second or third?”

“Hey,” he slurred a little, “That was _before_ I met you.” As soon as your foot hit the gas he admitted, “It’s the third.”

You couldn’t help shaking your head in amused disbelief. How was this guy even alive?

Soon you were both cruising down the highway. Dark, sleek pavement stretched out before you, only interrupted by the street lights and exit signs. An occasional car would swerve by, but for the most part the road was yours due to the late hour. The only sound was the radio, Josh’s surprisingly coherent drunken banter, and the hum of travel.

Any time alone with him was a treasure. Even drunken alone time.

Once, in an inebriated state, he told you he had a great idea for a movie and he wanted you to write it down. So you did. And it actually was pretty damn good, even if he only got a few scenes in. Most amusing though was his reaction when he woke up the next morning and couldn’t remember the rest of the plot. You’d think he’d had a Golden Globe snatched out from under him by the way he grumbled over the phone the next day. You later drove over to “make him feel better” by eating fast food and watching a movie that was “good, but not as good”.

Your memories were interrupted by the radio playing one of your favorite songs. The melody was actually the only sound in the car now. Josh wasn’t talking much anymore, probably due to the alcohol dragging him down. Without thought, you took the opportunity to sing along with the music.

Halfway into the first verse another voice joined yours. When you turned your gaze to Josh he gave a half-grin. “What? I thought we were a pretty good team last night.”

Unlike in the past, your cheeks didn’t burn. That surprised reaction stopped last night when he’d kissed you during karaoke. Still going to the party with him today as planned was an attempt to normalize the situation, but did you really expect that to work? Whatever your rationale, the plan was backfiring splendidly.

Oh well. You tried.

With only a hiccup of a pause, you started singing again and shoved his shoulder lightly to encourage him to join you.

Warmth spread through your chest. The thought that you could do this for the rest of your life and die happy crept into your mind.

His lips moved in your peripheral vision, voice just as enticing as the night before, lips just as soft-looking.

 _Would it really kill you if you kissed again?_ A voice whispered.

 _Maybe?_ You silently replied.

It countered: _Why?_

_I’m scared._

_Of  what?_

Very valid question. What were you scared of? What _was_ it?

_If something goes wrong I lose the one person that has made me happy like this since I moved here._

_If you don’t do something, someone else will come. They won’t be you, but they’ll make him happy enough. Enough to not feel any more pain over you._

_I don’t want to be alone again._

_You don’t want to lose your home?_

_Yes._

_Then stop running away from it._

“(Y/n)?, you ok?”

Yellow street lights reflected in his green eyes.

“What?”

“You stopped singing.”

“Yeah, sorry, I--”

At that moment you zoomed right by your exit.

“Shit,” You grumbled, but Josh was laughing. A look at the speedometer let you know that you were pushing 90.

“Didn’t know you wanted to spend so much time with me, (Y/n).” He quipped in response to the now lengthened car ride. “There were plenty of rooms back at the party that we could’ve spent quality time in.”

There was that dumb smirk, and all you could do was return it. “You wish, Josh.”

“Oh, I do.”

One of Josh’s best skills: A truth disguised as a joke.

 

* * *

 

3:23 AM

You were exhausted when you got to Josh’s, barely could keep your eyes open, and were a danger on the road. Even Josh saw it and refused to let you take your car which you’d parked in his driveway. At this point he was probably more coherent than you, which was saying something. Your damn GPS got the better of you, taking you 45 minutes out of your way once you missed the turn. The road had started to hypnotize you round the last ten minutes of the journey, putting you into a hazardous zombie state.

“Just use the guest room.” Josh remarked as he flipped on the entry-way light switch. Boy, did he look beat. The usual circles under his eyes were even darker, face strangely pale. Nevertheless, his eyes followed your form as you walked as quietly as possible down the hallway.

“They’re not home.”

“Another trip?”

“Yeah. I think they both felt they could go because you’re around to watch me.”

Both of you laughed around whatever awkwardness was left over from the ride.

Josh approached you with a smile, despite looking like he was going to fall over any second. “Do I get a goodnight kiss?”

Wouldn’t it be fun to call his bluff? Wouldn’t it be fun to stop running?

_Couldn’t hurt to try._

“Actually, yes.”

“Can’t blame a guy for--” A moment of confusion. “Wait, what?”

For once Josh had no come-back..

“That’s really not cool, (Y/n)--”       

But you weren’t being cruel. You needed to know if you felt electricity again. Gently, you placed your hand on the back of his head and pulled him into an exploratory kiss.

He breathed in sharply. You shuddered.

_Kissing him was bliss._

“Goodnight, Josh.”


	8. Part II: Hungover (Sunday, June 29, 2014)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did last night really happen? Josh has to find out.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Early afternoon light crept in through Josh’s blinds, dashing over the hardwood floors, sneaking onto his bed, and finally splashing over his face. Normally he enjoyed the sun, but today he was overwhelmed with one hell of a hangover.

Amidst the pain he mused about the night before. You’d kissed him…right? Drunk Josh didn’t always have the best memory.

“Please dear God,” he groaned and pleaded into his pillow. “ _Please_ tell me that actually happened.”

If it was true, it meant that you were probably still at his house. That was all the motivation he needed to stagger to his feet and change his clothes. He’d never been so nervous in his life. You were basically Schrödinger’s (Y/n): Both existing as his and not his in that moment. Part of him didn’t want to go through that bedroom door.

What if you weren’t there?

What if you were?

“Deep breaths,” he reminded himself as he turned the brass knob of his bedroom door. It creaked in the quiet house. Sometimes the place was _too_ quiet when his parents were away.

He focused on listening. The usual creaks of the older house came to his ears, but nothing out of the ordinary.

Heart heavy, he took a few steps out of his room and headed toward the stairs. His hand found the railing when he noticed a clinking sound coming from the kitchen. He opened his mouth to shout down but a voice beat him to it.

“Hey, drunky!” You called up. “It’s after one o’clock and I have to leave at two! Get your ass down here before I throw your brunch out!”

Well, damn. “I’m coming, I’m coming!”

* * *

“The elusive Joshua emerges from his cave of booze in order to feed.” Your teasing smirk greeted him as he entered the kitchen.

“Yeah, well, I got hungry.” He quipped before sweeping you into his arms bridal style. Your arms latched around his neck, eyes going wide in surprise. To his relief you didn’t complain, or even ask to be put down. “Caught my prey.”

Josh was beaming, looking like you’d brought Christmas six months early. You honestly had no idea that he could _be_ so happy. The look in his eyes made it clear that you were the cause, and the way his tongue darted across his bottom lip told you that you were going to be kissed. Your lips parted slightly in a silent invitation that he eagerly took.

Heat bloomed in your chest while you fought the sounds you desperately wanted to release. Maybe you would have let things go further, but your father was leaving for a business trip that was going to last a few weeks, so he wanted to have an early dinner with you and your mother. Every nerve screamed as you pulled away from Josh with a flushed face.

“Tuesday.”

He placed you back on the ground with an endearingly dazed expression. “What about Tuesday?”

“I have to leave, but I can come over Tuesday.”

The same elated smile started spreading across his face again. “Movie night?”

“Are you kidding me?” You grinned back. “Movie _day_.”


	9. Part III: If I Have To, So Do You (Tuesday, July 1, 2014)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final re-telling of If I Have to, So Do You! I feel like I've come full circle and love and adore all the support I've been given this whole year plus. This story, in my eyes, has reached it's end, but I am going to leave it open. However, my Joshua and I play with the characters constantly, practically on a daily basis. I hope that I will have new stories to tell one day. Until then - thank you for everything, and I hope you have loved these stories as much as I have.

March 2014

 

Josh had the most beautiful green eyes that you had ever seen.

Beautiful, but sad, and had the ability to be remarkably empty at times.

You had already been an inpatient at Ocean View Hospital’s adult psychiatric unit for three days when he arrived. His presence was a surprise when you and the other patients came into the main area squeaky clean from barely-warm enough showers. You were shivering from the cold air against your wet hair which had been cleaned using only about a tablespoon’s worth of shampoo. The place was draining the ever life out of you, but he looked worse than you ever felt.

Apparently he’d arrived overnight. You didn’t have to be told this information – the dark circles around sunken eyes said it all. His shoulders were slumped with the weight of distress as he trudged toward the eating area. During the short walk, he sought his face with his hands as if trying to shut out his unfortunate circumstance. Man, you were all too familiar with the way bile sloshed around in the stomach as the reality of the hospital set in.

A cardboard tray of already cold scrambled eggs and toast was waiting for you, just like the day before, and the day before that. As you headed for a table you took note of the windows that taunted every patient in the building. Their steel bar reinforcements were painful to look at, but to be fair, escaping to the fresh air wasn’t going to help the reasons why you’d wound up there.

Your thoughts were disrupted when Josh sat himself a few chairs away. It made no sense to you, but you couldn’t pull your focus from him. “Staring is rude”, you reminded yourself Once he sat himself you turned your gaze away. Regardless, your senses were extremely heightened to his presence out of the corner of your eye.

From what you had seen, he wasn’t an _incredibly_ striking guy. Good-looking, yes, but there were no features that should have grabbed your attention so intensely. When you finally mustered the guts to look at him again, he was seemingly entranced by the wall, food untouched. You could see it in his gaze: he was watching something play out in his mind. It wasn’t a hallucination, you’d seen that shit before, and it was chaotic. No, this was the mind forcing someone to watch something horrible loop over again and again.

Something moved in you, perhaps one aching soul wanting to relieve another of their pain. Silently, you placed your tray in the space across from him and slid into the uncomfortable plastic chair. That’s when he looked up at you for the briefest fraction of a moment.

Damn. His eyes.

Breath caught in your chest and you struggled to conceal it. They were so trained on you during that small window of time that it made you freeze. You’d clearly become a disruptive, but not unwelcome, blip in the reel of his internal horror film.

Neither of you exchanged words, but there was that strange shift in the air. Something had changed because of your decision to migrate four chairs to the right. Maybe he felt it too.

His eyes were no longer on you, though. They were more focused on his food, as he actually started to eat. So, you joined him just as quietly. The food was the worst you’d ever tasted, but this was by far the best breakfast you’d ever had.

* * *

 

July 1, 2014 (Tuesday)

 

Passion was one of the most attractive features a man could ever possess. It didn’t matter what he was passionate about, but that energy was contagious, and Josh was no exception. You loved the way his eyes lit up and how he’d gush over special effects whenever you watched movies together. He was a generally animated guy, but he was exceptionally so on the couch at his parents’ house with you by his side.

A few months and medication had changed everything. He had a big, exciting smile that only came out after the medicine had begun to do its work. This transformation had surprised you, but it also made you crazy over him. And there was that sense of humor that made you want to tell him to get out of his own house, but it also made you grin bigger than you had in your life. He refreshed your spirit, and you cleansed his.

 “Oh no, no, no, no,  _no_ ,” you gagged as the woman on screen stabbed a man to death and then fish around in his guts to retrieve a key in order to save herself. You  _loved_  your horror films, but this was too much. Josh had told you that Saw was one of his favorites practically since the day you met him, and after all the movies you’d watched since March, you were pretty sure that you could finally indulge him. Hell, you wanted to challenge _yourself_ to see if you could survive at least watching the first movie…but it wasn’t looking good for you.

Josh paused the screen just as the woman had triumphantly extracted the key. The frozen scene did  _not_  help anything. You felt your own guts flip over.

“Do you want to stop?”

“What?”

“The movie,” Josh added with the start of a grin. “Too much for you?”  
  
You shoved him with an added, “No way!”

“Last chance, then,” he teased.

“I’ve got this. I’m a big girl, Josh.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt that.” There was the usual suggestive tease. “Get over here.” He wound his arm around you and crushed you to his side, adding a hand over your eyes for emphasis. “Is that better?” His chest vibrated with laughter when you squirmed.

You immediately yanked his hand away with a defiant huff. “Ha. Ha. So funny.”

“You’re gonna wish you left that hand there. I’m not joking.”

“Oh, really?”

“You’re gonna have nightmares now.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes it is. And then I’ll have to sleep in your bed with you.” He winked before adding, “You know, to protect you.”

“What a tragedy.” The words were murmured against his shoulder, and you took pride in the way his body tensed at your words. To be fair, you were just as taken off-guard by your reply. Neither one of you was used to this type of relationship yet, even though it had made your interactions considerably more relaxed. Pushing it further, you added: “You’d keep me up all night, though. That’s no good either.”

“True, _but_ not sleeping equals no nightmares. I’d still be protecting you.”

“My hero.”

Both of you laughed, yours an almost embarrassingly giddy one. How long had it been since you’d fallen in love? Since when did you feel so fluttery?

“I’m gonna start it the movie again.”

“Bring it.”

* * *

 

March 2014

 

“My sisters…” This was the first time Josh had spoken up during group. His eyes were downcast, but the counselor was trying to pull him out of the hole he was so deep in. Saying  _anything_  was better than nothing at this point. “They’re gone. They’ve been missing all this time. There’s no way they can be alive…but they’re all I see. Every day.”

Your eyes shifted up. Wait. What?

“My family’s lodge. I was drunk and then they were gone…” For a long moment there was silence. Finally, “I was fucking drunk while they were lost somewhere out in the damn snow! They might still be alive now if I hadn’t been drinking so much. This is _my_ fault!” His eyes were so wide but unfocused. Terrified.

This story felt vaguely familiar, but there was no way it was the same one you’d heard months ago…

You dug your nails into your palm. Instinct wanted you to put your hand on his shoulder, but that could easily go up in flames. Yes, you’d become closer over the past few days, actually talking to each other and trusting each other, but it still wasn’t the time.

When group was over you were given some free time to attempt to relax (which was a hilarious concept considering the constant level of tension in the facility was a wire ready to snap). Josh just remained in his seat after the rest of the patients had left, lost in his mind again. You couldn’t abandon him, so you just waited there, reflecting his silence.

_Josh Washington_. You’d exchanged full names at the second breakfast you shared, but thought nothing of it. Now the pieces were fused together in your head and you couldn’t help but feel terribly for him. You wanted to say something desperately, but what could you even say? What wouldn’t upset him more?

_“Just speak your mind”_ , something dared.

 “Josh,” you said quietly to keep the conversation intimate. His eyes sought yours, a little lost, but clearer.

“Yeah?”

“I’m not asking you to talk about it, but I just want to say, I put two-and-two together, and I realize I’ve heard about your family.” Now his teeth were sinking into his bottom lip. 

_Great. Please don’t hate me._

Would it be ok to just smack your head into the wall now? Maybe, but that might result in restraints. Plus, you needed to deal with the content of this box you’d opened up. “I just wanted to say I can’t imagine how much pain you’re in…but I’m sorry. I am so sorry.”

Your body felt completely frozen as you waited for his reply, if there would even be one. As long as his eyes kept flickering to you, you couldn’t move. Eventually he brought his eyes to the floor, falling into his personal Hell again.

Maybe you should just give him some space.

Surprisingly, your ears caught a weak: “No” as you rose to your feet. When you turned, Josh was gazing at you with an exceptionally broken look. “Don’t go.”

* * *

 July 1, 2014 (Tuesday)

 

“Ok, no. That was  _so_  disgusting!” You exclaimed as the credits rolled. “Thank god it’s over!”

Josh wore a highly amused, but proud, expression. Clearly he did not expect you to last through the whole thing. You’d spent the rest of it hiding your face in his arm and making displeased sounds, but you  _did_  make it. “I’m impressed,” he praised and ruffled your hair. “Thought I was gonna lose you for a bit!”

“You know I don’t back down from a challenge.”

“Neither do I.”

There was mischief in the way he said it, but his gaze conveyed something deeper. His words were true: How long could you have held on if the roles had been reversed and he’d remained so elusive for so many months?

You wouldn’t have lasted at all. He knew that, you knew it, and the way he looked at you confirmed it.

You suddenly felt naked, every part of you as clear as a country night sky. All of your emotions were as bright as those stars, and there was no way to dim them anymore because Josh had mapped all your constellations. He knew everything about you. Or at least the parts that mattered: Your light, the things that bothered you, the things that you loved, the parts of you that were so dark and uncomfortable you wanted to conceal them from yourself.

How scary to find someone who encouraged you to be so vulnerable to yourself for once. How comforting to know someone already loved the parts of you that you didn’t have courage to even look at. This was what you wanted – to be safe. You wanted to be loved.

He’d never said that word, and you weren’t sure that he ever would. Not his style. But so many before him had said it without backing it up with actions. Like he always did.

Words broke through your reverie: “Earth to, (Y/n).”

A hand waved in front of your face, pulling you to the present. How long had you been gone?

“You alive in there?” Josh’s cheeky grin only made your heart pick up, every blood cell whirring through your veins.

“Yeah, yeah.” You smiled. “Josh, I need to ask…”

His expressions morphed from amusement to concern in an impressively short amount of time. “What’s wrong? Did I do something?”

“No!” Oh shit, you did _not_ mean to give the guy a heart attack. “I just wanted to know…what are we doing?”

“…watching movies?”

You sighed. He knew what you meant. “No. I mean, what are we?”

His expression remained concerned. “We’re whatever you want us to be.”

_Selfish, selfish, selfish._ You berated yourself.

Relationships weren’t based on just one person’s feelings. But what were you supposed to say? You’d gone from ‘This is what I want and I can’t be without him,’ to a flat out ‘I can’t do this,’ countless times over the past week, and every time he rolled with the changes.

“This is about both of us, Josh.”

“I want you to be happy…even if it’s not with me. That’s what I care about.” You’d never seen him look so serious and ready to fall apart at the same time. He had always been more guarded than you, making jokes out of everything that required him to show emotion…but now he was naked like you. And more sincere than you’d ever seen.

Something in your heart threatened to explode.

 Maybe you would be happy with someone else. Maybe not.  Maybe it wouldn’t work out with Josh and you’d be broken. Maybe you’d spend all your time looking back wondering what could have been: if Josh would have loved you more than whoever you were with, if you had missed out on possibly the greatest thing in your life.

He already was: He had been the greatest thing in your life since you met him.

How could you risk losing that?

_What the fuck were you doing?_

“I need you.” 

* * *

March 2014

 

Josh looked exceptionally relieved when he returned to the common area after seeing his psychiatrist. The past two weeks had been doing him a lot of good.  He was clearly not completely healed up, still suffering at more times than not, but he was no longer a danger to himself – and he actually smiled at times when talking to you. His eyes were not so cloudy anymore, even turning up slightly at the corners when you made him laugh.

“You seem happy today,” you stated as he came sauntering over.

Today was rough for you, though. The meds were taking their sweet time. Of course you felt better since you first started them, but there was still a long way to go. The depression ached so terribly at times that you could barely breathe, but at least you had him to talk you through the pain. He knew what it was like and it made you feel less alone.

“I am,” he plopped his body next to you on the faded couch. “I’m being discharged soon!”

Everything stopped: your breathing, your thinking, your hand that had been idly scribbling on a piece of paper in an attempt to find some stress relief.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he leaned back against the cushion to stare at the ceiling. “Just two days.”

Your insides were lava and your limbs were numb. You wanted to be happy, and you were. It made you so happy to know this guy who couldn’t even speak the first time you met him was stable enough to leave. But all the same, he was your partner in crime. The only buffer from the Hell inside your head.

After what seemed like an eternity you let out a single, “Wow.”

He was staring into space, probably contemplating what this step forward meant. “Yeah...definitely ‘wow’.” Green eyes slid your direction, waiting for you to say something more. Anything.

“Will we ever see each other again?”

“Why the Hell wouldn’t we?”

At that moment the nurse came in wheeling the nighttime medication cart. Josh was on his feet but had no intention of leaving you there looking like he’d punched you in the stomach.

“C’mon. You don’t wanna be at the back of the line, do you?”

You’d miss that little smirk he was wearing. 

* * *

July 1, 2014 (Tuesday)

 

“You’re not joking, right?”

“Josh, I’m not playing--”

Every nerve lit on fire as he slanted his mouth over yours, claiming you entirely. You whimpered into him, embarrassingly hungry, and you were sure he was appreciating every moment of it by the way he gripped you closer. Your fingers curled into the soft fibers of his shirt, his smoothed over the softness of your bare arms, both of you completely lost.

Holy _shit_ your heart had never raced like this before. Not in fear, not in indecisiveness, no, this time in anticipation. This time your bodies were moving too slow. His teeth and tongue found the curve of your neck and it was over. Your long-suppressed cry travelled through every corner of the house as you wove your fingers into Josh’s hair to keep his focus on that one exquisite spot.

Things were fuzzy in your mind. The good kind of fuzzy, where the world just whites out and all that’s left is an unreal sensation. Life had become so different so fast that your brain couldn’t keep up. Only your body could respond now.

“Joshua.”

This time his name sent prickles down your back. You’d never said it with that tone before.

“(Y/n),” he murmured against your collarbone with an added, “you’re wearing too much clothing.”

Your eyes rolled but you couldn’t stop yourself from laughing. “I think you are too.”

“My parents aren’t going to be back for two days.”

“Perfect.”

* * *

March 16, 2014

 

You sat there, pen in hand, hating the paper in front of you. Art wasn’t your strong suit, but it still brought relief to sketch and doodle, and boy did you need that relief today.

Josh was leaving in only a few hours and you were trying your best not to make him feel rotten about it. He’d become your partner in crime so quickly that it would seem strange to the outside world. But that’s how things happened in places like this. You’d hold onto anything, anyone, and when you found that thing it was the greatest relief. That person you’d look forward to seeing in the morning. That person who empowered you to speak just a little more in group. That person who you let in deeper than others around you. Not even the doctors would hear what you said to that person.

You knew this truth because this wasn’t your first crash and burn into the hospital…but even so, Josh was even more of an anchor than anyone before. You were both so broken, but the most broken people know how to build themselves up again. It just so happened that you and Josh had a greater understanding of each other’s blueprints than the both of you knew your own.

How would you be able to deal with this loss? You knew you’d eventually leave the hospital, but what if he decided he wanted to put this behind him once he was adjusted to the world outside again? You’d done it before. It was defense. No one wants to go back to Hell, not even in memories.

“(Y/n).”

Damn. When did you grow so attached to your name from his lips?

“Josh…”

He plucked the pen from your fingers and sat down next to you. Next he stole your paper to scribble something on it. You were a little confused, but when he handed it to you, you felt your chest constrict. It read his name, phone number, and eight words that motivated you to get out of the hospital even faster. It read:

_Call me when you get out of here._

* * *

July 1, 2014 (Tuesday)

 

You plopped playfully on the bed while Josh closed the door. There was no one home, but this was just for the two of you all the same.

A memory came to mind as he walked toward you. A warm one, the first one you had of times outside of the hospital. Did he even realize he was wearing the same shirt today? How funny. You would have remarked on it, but he was walking toward you in a hungry manner.

Those eyes -- they made you shudder.

He looked differently at you now. Like his dinner plate was covered in many delicious things and he couldn’t decide what to eat first.

You returned the enthusiasm with an enticing look and sought the hem of your shirt. He quickly stopped you when you began to pull it over your head.

“Oh no you don’t. I’ve been waiting to do this forever.”

“Forever?” You teased.

“ _Yes_ , forever. Now excuse me.”

Your shirt was never to be seen again. Now it was lost to wherever the Hell he chucked it in favor of enjoying your bare skin. His kisses began just above the waist band of your jeans and coursed upward. Every brush of his lips was delicious torment, and oh, how you suffered. When he finally glided his tongue over the swell of your breast that wasn’t covered by your bra you fell to pieces.

Josh hummed with amusement, clearly aware of how worked up you were getting.

Breath caught in your chest as he sat you up to unclip your bra. “No way,” you taunted. “A shirt for a shirt.”

“Thought you’d never ask, babe.”

Your eyes rolled. Lame as ever, but it was true. You’d always had an appreciation of sorts for his body when everyone would hang out at the pool. He’d called you out on it too in the loudest and most embarrassing ways that he could. How could you help it, though? He had such a nice lean frame with already tan skin that darkened nicely in the summer sun. But it was normal to find your friends attractive. Right?

Off the shirt came, and with it all your inhibitions. Your hands smoothed over his toned stomach and chest, mind blurry and transfixed on memorizing every texture and shape. “Was this how you imagined I’d touch you?” You quipped without thinking.

Josh feigned hurt, hand over his heart. “I’d never think such filthy things about you.” When you started giggling he added with a crooked smile, “To be honest, they were mostly about _me_ touching _you_.”

“Then how did you touch me?”

Predatory Josh was back. Now his eyes swiped over your body, you bra, your pants, and every inch of already exposed skin. “Like I couldn’t get enough, and everywhere.”

You swallowed hard. Why was it suddenly difficult to breathe?

Josh had never wanted anything as bad as he wanted you right now. There would be time to do all the soft things. Right now he was starving.

“Show me,” you urged.

All of your clothes were quickly stripped from your body, leaving you naked in what felt like mere seconds. Slightly rough hands smoothed over your legs, hips, stomach, breasts (where he lingered with a playful look), and lastly coming to weave in your hair. For the first time you realized how hard he was, thigh pressed between your parted legs.

That couldn’t be comfortable.

Josh made a worried expression when you sat up and pushed him back, but it quickly reverted back to a wanting state when your hands began to unbuckle his belt. A sharp, relieved intake of breath rewarded you when you finally finished unzipping his jeans. He then wiggled out of them along with his boxers, and then chucked them somewhere into the mess of his room.

Only your naked bodies were left. His stare was intense but you felt no self-consciousness. You’d felt it before with other guys for sure…this was different. Only excitement coursed through you, the both of you, and the moment was only broken when Josh swooped his hand under the bed to retrieve a condom. He tore it open and rolled it on with remarkable ease. This earned him a cheeky expression.

He was clearly on to your train of thought. “At least I know what I’m doing.”

“I don’t doubt you, Joshua.”

“Well, in case you ever did,” your lover, your best friend, murmured, “I’ll prove it to you.” Before you could volley he slammed home inside you to make his point.

A single, sharp gasp filled the air. Several agonizingly slow thrusts followed with Josh eagerly observing your expressions. They quickly rolled from surprise to dazed, eventually blooming into pure pleasure. You wound your legs around his hips, needing to feel him even deeper if possible, driving him near insane. Every moment of your walls sliding against him was both torture and bliss. Not even alcohol pulled him under like this. You were a drug, and if you caused him to overdose he would gladly go down.

 “Josh…” His name was crooned in an incredibly husky tone.

“(Y/n).” He countered against your collar bone.

Out of instinct your arms clasped around his neck, one hand lacing in his hair. You gave a small tug and he moaned a delicious, low sound in your ear. Goosebumps raced over your skin.

Josh’s cheeks were flushed with exertion when he made eye contact again. He _did_ know what he was doing, you noted, as he adjusted the tilt of your hips into a perfect angle. Your scream rewarded him. Now every brush of him inside you was white hot. Every nerve begged for release as you endured wave after wave of pleasure that you didn’t know if you could handle. You tugged him in, close enough to press your forehead to his, and whimpered out: “Please, please, please, Josh…I can’t take it anymore.” Your insides were aching now and every pulse was a demand, not a request.

Teeth sought your earlobe and then came the shaky whisper: “Please, what?” You could feel his grin against your cheek.

Your mouth parted but nothing came out but unintelligible sounds as he continued to rock into you. Josh wasn’t having it, though. Slowing his pace, he challenged again. “What do you want, (Y/n)?”

“Jesus Christ, Joshua.” You gripped his hair to yank him close, lips nearly brushing his, and in a frustrated hiss his answered him: “I need you to make me cum.  _Please_.” The satisfied expression on his face made it clear that that was all he wanted.

There was a brief moment where you wondered if he fantasized about you saying those words. It was as gone as quickly as it had come as his hand sought your right thigh to put your leg over his shoulder. 

Oh, holy Hell. _That_ was the spot.

Now he had you screaming, clawing your nails along his back, anything to soothe this sweet torture. You wanted to cry out his name but it was lost to your desperate mewls and breathlessness.

Of all things, it was a kiss that made you come undone. It only took his tongue parting your lips and a few more bucks of his hips to break your dam. Your cries of release echoed throughout the house, followed shortly by his.

Remnants of your orgasm still lingered wonderfully in your toes as you both lay there recouping in the afterglow. Josh’s chest rose and fell peacefully against you, arms securely around your frame. He had the biggest, dumbest smile on his face, and you were all too aware that you wore the same.

Just as an early-evening nap was closing in, a ringing pierced through the house:

_Ring-a-ding-a-ding!!_

Your eyes shot open. “Fuck…”

_Ring-a-ding-a-ding!!_

The call beckoned again from the living room where the Saw menu was still looping on the TV.

“Is that your med alarm?”

“Yes.” You groaned.

“Go get it.”

You made a sound of protest and snuggled closer. The damn things never let you rest. You’d kill for a night where you didn’t have keep an ear out for that ringtone.

“ (Y/n)…” He protested but you only let out a heavy sigh. “I’ll get it,” he finally replied in a gentler tone and stood to pull on a pair of sweatpants. “Which one is it?”

“The Lithium.”

“Gotcha. I’ll be right back.”

You resented his absence the whole time he was gone.

Josh returned moments later with two small, round pills and a glass of water. “Here.” He extended the items to you then dug out his own pill bottle out of his pants pocket.

Most of the time he might not give a shit about what happened to himself, but he cared about you. He’d never tell you about the nights he refused his medication. You’d be troubled and worry too much. Regardless, he would never let you get away with the same vices. Not if he could help it.

Familiar weight joined you on the bed as you tilted the cup to wash your pills down. You handed the glass off to Josh once you’d finished – a common ritual between you two.

Comfortable silence settled over the bedroom once Josh had you back in his arms. Everything was right. Finally. And you thanked that voice for knocking sense into you.

* * *

March 20, 2014

 

Josh watched his mother prepare lunch in the kitchen with a withdrawn expression. Life was hard to get used to again after being in the hospital for so long. He was slowly getting the hang of it, but sometimes even the vastness of his home was overwhelming. His head had just reached the counter when his cell phone startled him back into reality.

The whole crew had all been so worried about him that his phone had been blowing up constantly. He wondered who was calling this time, but the number on the screen was actually an unknown caller.

“Hello?” He murmured tiredly into the phone.

“Hey Josh, it’s (Y/n). Want to meet up?”


End file.
